you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
