We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We left the knife in your bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then my night got REAL pukey
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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