totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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