you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
