She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
