he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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