Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
