I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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