If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Pooping to opera.
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