ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
