Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
