i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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