Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
birth control should be required to get into college
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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