I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
