so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
