I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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