She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
