Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
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I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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