I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
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it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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