He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
