he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
