I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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