I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
