the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
