I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
