Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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