Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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