i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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