my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just cut my nipple shaving
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
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the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
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I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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