Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Randomize
