Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
