32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
