I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
