Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
