Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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