someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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