Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
my sisters under your porch take her home
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Randomize
