Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
