I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
