My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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