Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
