Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
