My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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