a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
The feeling are messing with the penis
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
