Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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