And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
