A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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