Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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