Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
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mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
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The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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