Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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