I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
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Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
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I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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