You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
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This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
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I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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