RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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