my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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