and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
