Welp...herpes.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
