I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
