...so i touched it.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
foreskin is a definite game changer
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
