I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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