he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Randomize
